Saturday, June 25, 2011

I am Quiet

I have learned how to quiet myself.... how to still the millions of thoughts and worries that race through my mind and to just let life wash over me. I have finally learned how to live in every moment without planning the next thing or running through my to-do list over and over in my mind.
Ever since our dramatic plane ride where my hubby decided to die for a few minutes, I have just been different. I knew the second that I saw his lifeless face that I would never be the same. I felt myself physically change. In that split second, I experienced a grief so deep that it consumed my future. It was torture; I wanted to step back in time just a few seconds to tell him I loved him, to look into his eyes and have him see me. I wanted time to stop. I didn't want another second to pass because I was terrified of what sorrow it held. I was paralysed yet acting outside of myself screaming for help and trying to revive him. I thank God that I didn't lose my love that day, and I am in awe that a single moment has changed me so profoundly.
I have been given the gift of peace through my experience. I now have a contentment that sits in my soul, and life is so much sweeter because of it. Yes, my dishes don't get washed every day, Sean still doesn't pick up his dirty socks, and the kids still leave their toys on the couch, but that's life. It's my life, and the dirty socks just mean that I have a hubby who wants to snuggle more than he wants to throw his clothes in the basket; we have dirty dishes because we have food to eat, and there are toys on the couch because we have two beautiful children who giggle and play and bring happiness into our home. I have learned to let go of my fears and to fill my mind with the gifts that I have been given. I have finally found peace and it didn't come in the way that I expected. It didn't come from a wise quote or someone mending emotional scars, it came from me realizing the depth of my love and allowing that love to guide my actions.

1 comment:

Lee Family said...

You are a beautiful writer. I'm sorry to hear what happened to your husband. I'm glad everything is ok. It was great seeing you at the reception.