Parenting is a glorious gift fraught with fear. I have worried for my babies physcially, spiritually, and emotionally since before they were born, and I doubt that feeling of urgency will ever fade. I know that my actions write on the perfectly clean slates of my children's lives. The things I do or don't do shape them and mold them into what I hope will one day be healthy, confident, and complete adults. My greatest fear is that I will completely blow it... that I will scar them in some way, and this motivates me to learn more, try harder, and never ever surrender to my fear.
After coming home from the hospital last month, I layed down next to my sweet baby girl. Although completely exhausted, I just needed to hear her sweet little voice, smell her silky hair, and hold her chunky little toddler arms in mine. As we fell asleep, she whispered "mommy, I was so worried about you. I cried by myself at night because my head was worrying about you and my heart hurted." I reassured her that I would be okay, and that even when I wasn't with her, my love was always there for her to keep, but my heart burned with fear and frustration. The fact that my physical failure had caused her stress and heartache and that I made my sweet hubby choose between staying with me and being there to comfort his little girl was just too much to bare. I'm not sure what God intends for me to learn through this trial of health, but I pray every day that I will understand the purpose of this thing that is getting in the way of my greatest calling. I'm learning to surrender, to have faith, and to trust, but I hope these lessons don't come at too great a cost for those that I love. Hopefully time will bring strength, clarity, and a little less fear.