Saturday, March 13, 2010

Haunted

I am haunted by memories.
Yes, even at the age of 14, eating meat... tearing into another animal's flesh with my own teeth... gave me the willy's....especially when the animal hung from a tree in our backyard for days. yuck! On this particular night, my punishment for not eating the deer meat was sleeping outside. I was deemed unworthy to be in my home because of my disobedience. Banished to the yard. Like a dog. Not even allowed to sleep in a car and forbidden to leave the yard, a stucco flower box served as my bed on that cold winter night. As I lay there breathing in the smell of fresh dirt, I dreamed of a day when I would have my own home, my own bed, and someone who would realize my worth.
By the grace of God, that day has come, but my happiness is constrained because I'm haunted by memories.
So, today I celebrate starting anew. cutting the binding ties of abuse, and celebrating the gifts that I have been given. I want to allow myself to feel the unbridled joy that I deserve so that I can give my whole self to those I love. Today I start anew.

3 comments:

jen said...

manda, i am so proud of you. being raised in a world of "secrets" and false faces, it took a great deal of courage to be this vulnerable and honest. you are strong, beautiful, loyal, smart, kind, and good. TRUTH IS TRUTH, no matter how your parents choose to see it. when the Savior returns and we each stand before him, you can mark this day as a turning point in your journey. you are starting down the path to forgiveness... someday you will be able to release the pain and damage done to your spirit. have confidence in the incredible daughter of God that you are, the devoted wife you are, and the nuturing mom you are. i love you, manda.

mary said...

Once again, you amaze me with your strength and courage. You are such a kind, gentle, loving woman, and I am awed at your ability to rise above the abuse. It doesn't matter who believes you or not. It only matters that you believe in yourself, because I know our Heavenly Father does. I hope you are given comfort and strength as you sort out and deal with all that's happened to you. Forgiveness can be a difficult path to start, but it is the was to true peace. You have more support than you know, Amanda. I love you and am proud to call you my friend. -- Mary

aunt mimi said...

I am so sorry that this continues to cause you pain. I adore you and am so proud of you and your little family. Please know that I support you and stand with you 100%.