Officer... Let me Explain...

Ok... Let me preface this story with three sad little facts:

1. I order paperview movies like there's no tomorrow.
2. I have gone over on my cell phone bill two months in a row.
3. To save money, we dropped the voicemail and caller ID on our home phone, and the only reason we still have the number is so I can use the fax machine for work.

Now.. on to the story...

I have had two CRAZY days trying to catch up from being on vacation. There are bills to pay, a week's worth of work to catch up on, laundry, unpacking, grocery shopping, and all of the other basics that were neglected while I was gone. So, after I took Drew to school this morning, I felt it was the perfect opportunity to unwind by watching "Four Christmases." I got exactly four minutes into the movie, started giggling at cutie pie Vince Vaughn, and decided that this was going to be worth my $4.99, when the movie stopped and said 'searching for authorized content'. Grr! This is the third time this has happened in the last month!! (I know, I know... I order way too many movies) So, I am ticked off and decide that I'm going to call and give them a piece of my mind and get my five bucks back! Well, in my fury, I realize that I can't use my cell because I'm out of minutes, and there's no way I'm going to be stingy with my ranting just because it is costing me 37 cents a minute. So, I grab the fax machine out of the bedroom closet, plug it into the wall, get the number out of my cell, and dial with a vengeance. A fake lady answers the call and our conversation goes:
Operator: Welcome to Direct TV for English press 1
me: 1111111
Operator: Is this the phone number listed under your account?
me: yes
Operator: What can I help you with today?
me: problem with paperview
Operator: I can assist you with ordering a paperview movie. What movie would you like to order?
me: NO I already ordered a movie. forget it. CUSTOMER SERVICE
Operator: We didn't recognize that movie, please repeat your choice.
me: CUSTOMER SERVICE
Operator: I can't understand that selection. Let's try using our touch-tone option instead.
me: CUSTOMER SERVICE *mashing buttons*
Operator: Would you like to speak to a customer service representative?
me: YES!!!
Operator: In order to direct you to the appropriate agent, please tell me what your call is regarding.
me: a paperview movie
Operator: I can help you with that. What movie would you like to order?
me: AHHHHHH!!!!! NOO! CUSTOMER FREAKING SERVICE!!

So... I go round and round with the fake lady until I am so angry that my arm pits start to sweat. Finally, I get a real person on the phone and explain what has happened. She wants me to try a few things on the TV to find out why it keeps jacking up, but I am on the fax machine... in a completely different room, so I begin the process of her giving me instructions, me running down the hall to the TV and then back to the phone. Well, after running back and forth about 15 times, I come up with the brilliant idea of pulling the fax machine closer to the door so that I don't have to run as far. I know... brilliant.... until the cord pops out of the wall. Dang it! So, in a furry, I begin plugging in every chord that I can find hoping that I can get back on before my paperview life-line disappears. In the midst of my scrambling, the phone rings. SCORE! She must have called back! I grab the phone and begin spewing hellos. "yes this is 911. we received a..." I look down and my finger is holding the hang-up button. Uh oh. I didn't mean to do that... it was a reaction... how did I call the... OH NO... now they're really going to think I'm in trouble... OH NO!
A few minutes later the phone rings again, and I timidly explain the whole situation flooded by apologies. End of story right? Wrong. Ten minutes later, someone knocks on the door. Hmmm... I'm not expecting anyone. OH NO. It's a sheriff, and after my repeated hang up, pick up dramatics on the phone, he doesn't even begin to believe that everything is ok. After a search of my dirty house, more apologies, and complete and utter humiliation, I STILL don't have my movie, and I'm terrified to ever use my phone again.